The 10 Biggest Myths About Conflict in Relationships – And Why They’re Wrong

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves trapped in recurring conflicts, and often that has to do with the myths and false beliefs we carry about arguments and disagreements.

John and Julie Gottman, two of the world’s most respected relationship researchers, have discovered that couples who struggle often fall into thinking patterns that actually fuel their conflicts – instead of resolving them.

Here are the 10 most common myths about conflict that can quietly sabotage relationships.

“Why do we keep arguing about the same things?”

Myth 1: “Once we solve this argument, we’ll stop fighting altogether.”

Wrong. Most conflicts in long-term relationships are ongoing. The goal isn’t to eliminate fights but to learn how to manage them in a healthy way.

Myth 2: “If we argue, we’re probably not right for each other.”

Disagreements are normal and don’t mean you’re incompatible. All couples face conflicts – it’s how you handle them that matters.

Actually, only about one-third of relationship conflicts are solvable. The rest are perpetual issues that you need to manage through open communication and mutual understanding.

Myth 3: “Every conflict has a solution.”

Myth 4: “One of us has to be right.”

Nope. In relationships, both perspectives are valid. The real question is: can you both listen, respect, and accept each other’s reality, even if you disagree?

Myth 5: “Men are logical, women are emotional.”

A tired stereotype. Research shows that logic and emotions are human traits – not gendered. Both partners bring reason and emotion to the table.

Myth 6: “The best way to manage conflict is to stay calm, rational, and emotionless.”

Especially common in avoidant partners. But the truth is: you need emotions to build understanding and find meaningful solutions. Emotion-free conflict resolution often leads to emotional disconnection.

Myth 7: “Negative emotions are bad and should be avoided.”

Anger, frustration, and even sadness are normal parts of relationships. What matters is how you express them. Criticism and contempt create damage – but honest, respectful expressions of frustration are healthy.

Myth 8: “No one can hurt you unless you let them.”

This belief can shift responsibility away from the person who hurt you. The truth? We are wired for emotional connection, and yes – we can hurt each other. But the good news is: we can also heal together.

Myth 9: “You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.”

We all have self-doubt and moments of insecurity. Relationships don’t fail because someone isn’t fully ‘healed’ – they struggle when partners stop supporting and communicating with each other.

Myth 10: “I have to justify my needs before I express them.”

Many people believe they shouldn’t “bother” their partner with personal needs. Some only voice their needs when they feel wronged. The truth is: your needs are valid – and you have the responsibility to express them clearly and directly, without guilt.

Source:

John & Julie Gottman (2024): Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection
Harmony

👉 Also, check out my article:
➡ Why Is My Wife Yelling at Me? The Emotional Reasons Behind Loud Arguments
In that article, you’ll learn the 5 most common emotional triggers behind yelling – and how to spot them in your relationship.